Saturday, May 3, 2008

Six Word Memoir

Angela over at Here and Now tagged me with the six word memoir challenge.

The instructions:

1) Write your own six word memoir
2) Post it on your blog; include a visual illustration if you’d like
3) Link to the person that tagged you in your post, and to the original post if possible
4) Tag at least five more blogs with links
5) Leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!

My six word memoir is this:
"Patience. I'm a work in progress."

I thought limiting myself to only six words would be extremely difficult, but then I thought of one of my favorite quotes. "Please be patient. God isn't finished with me yet." This quote was on one of my first eyeglass cases (pink flexible plastic with Holly Hobbie on it.)

I don't believe in singling any one (or five) blogs out, so if you are reading this, consider yourself tagged. 8-)


Thursday, May 1, 2008

Evolution of Trust

Good With Cheese wrote an amazing post entitled “A Day in the Life” which describes one day in her life practicing health at every size (HAES.)

I saw my nutritionist (Pat) yesterday and I showed her my food journal – packed with all sorts of food. I remarked to her how scary this is. How freaked out I am about it. “I haven’t let myself get ravenous and I haven’t eaten past full. How can I be eating SO much???”

Pat responded, “You are a classic example of how much wisely-chosen food one can eat and still maintain.”

Over the past week or so, I haven’t deny myself anything that I’ve wanted. I’ve focused on enjoying each bite. I’m working on not picking up the next bite before I’ve finished the last. (I’m still a work in progress.) I’ve listened for what my body asks and, to the best of my ability, I feed it. Whether it be oatmeal breakfast bars or a smooth piece of caramel or a dish of all natural pecan praline ice cream or a crunchy ripe apple with peanut butter or resting a sore foot/ankle.

Yesterday, I didn’t feel like eating any of the veggies in my house. So I didn’t pack any. Instead, I treated myself to some steamed veggies at work – because I needed the comfort that warm veggies gives me.

I admit that I dropped the ball last night when I went to dinner at a friends house. I was out of my comfort zone. Surrounded by “scary” food and feeling completely like a fish out of water. I disconnected from my body for a time. It’s a defense mechanism. One that I anticipated. So this morning, I made sure to take a little extra time to reconnect, honoring my needs to be gentle with myself, both mentally and nutritionally. I am treating myself with compassion – as I would anyone else.*

Despite all the stress I’ve been under lately (both at work and internal,) I’m holding fast to this truth:

That I deserve to be nourished fully. I deserve to do whatever it takes to take care of me.

I’ve been saying this for a long time. Years, actually.

But the most amazing thing has happened over the past week or so – I’m not paying lip service anymore. This truth is seeping out from the inside. My instinct to care for myself is awakening.

The panicked calorie totalling that enveloped me in the beginning part of the past week, moved slowly to idle curiousity. And after Pat’s assurance that I’m maintaining my weight, I find that, at least for the moment, when I’m in comfortable, predictable surroundings, I trust myself.

I still am working on that trust when I’m out of my usual element.

And that’s okay.

Right now, I’m not in any rush.

* I wonder if this is the type of love and compassion that Aimee Liu speaks about in her recent blog posts over at Life After Recovery (Love, To Live and Love, To Live II)? If it is, it’s wonderful.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Ain't nothing like the real thing

The latest kick around my workplace is PB2. PB2 is a powdered peanut butter produced by Bell Plantation. It's essentially the by-product when peanuts are squished to make peanut oil. Reconstituted with water, PB2 is ideal for those times when carrying a jar of regular peanut butter is inconvenient - hiking, camping, long-term storage. And I'm happy to report that the website emphasizes these uses for their product. Kudos to Bell Plantation for that!!

But somehow, someone thought of using this product every day as a substitute for peanut butter. And apparently, it is all the rage around weight watchers circles.

So, it begs the question, can it really be used as an everyday substitute for peanut butter?

On the insistence of a friend (who gifted me with a jar from her order,) I replaced my morning tablespoon of peanut butter with a serving of PB2. I followed the directions and reconsituted it with water. It smelled and spread just like the regular variety. Tasted a little different, but still was very yummy.

But you know what?

Most days, I foudn myself eating more throughout the day.

How, do you ask, can that be?

Because my body needs the fat in real peanut butter. My brain must have fat to function.

One of the women who extolled the virtues of this product in a spin class a few weeks back said, "And if you are still hungry, you can have another serving and still eat less fat and calories!"

Oh isn't that wonderful???

No. It isn't wonderful.

My body needs fat. If I deny it the essential fatty acids it needs, it will insist that I find it by sending cravings that will not go away until satisfied.

I'm slowly learning that if I give my body the real deal (full fat, full caloried versions of the foods that I love,) I enjoy it more. I feel fuller longer.

I'm slowly learning that I really can trust myself around food. That my greatest fear of losing control and eating until I'm the size of the moon (into which my eating disorder played to keep me starving myself) won't ever happen.

I'm learning that it is okay to eat. It's okay to enjoy real food - natural peanut butter, ice cream with caramel and nuts, cakes with fresh fruit and cream.

The real thing won't hurt me.

And you know what?

There really isn't anything like the real thing.