Thursday, May 1, 2008

Evolution of Trust

Good With Cheese wrote an amazing post entitled “A Day in the Life” which describes one day in her life practicing health at every size (HAES.)

I saw my nutritionist (Pat) yesterday and I showed her my food journal – packed with all sorts of food. I remarked to her how scary this is. How freaked out I am about it. “I haven’t let myself get ravenous and I haven’t eaten past full. How can I be eating SO much???”

Pat responded, “You are a classic example of how much wisely-chosen food one can eat and still maintain.”

Over the past week or so, I haven’t deny myself anything that I’ve wanted. I’ve focused on enjoying each bite. I’m working on not picking up the next bite before I’ve finished the last. (I’m still a work in progress.) I’ve listened for what my body asks and, to the best of my ability, I feed it. Whether it be oatmeal breakfast bars or a smooth piece of caramel or a dish of all natural pecan praline ice cream or a crunchy ripe apple with peanut butter or resting a sore foot/ankle.

Yesterday, I didn’t feel like eating any of the veggies in my house. So I didn’t pack any. Instead, I treated myself to some steamed veggies at work – because I needed the comfort that warm veggies gives me.

I admit that I dropped the ball last night when I went to dinner at a friends house. I was out of my comfort zone. Surrounded by “scary” food and feeling completely like a fish out of water. I disconnected from my body for a time. It’s a defense mechanism. One that I anticipated. So this morning, I made sure to take a little extra time to reconnect, honoring my needs to be gentle with myself, both mentally and nutritionally. I am treating myself with compassion – as I would anyone else.*

Despite all the stress I’ve been under lately (both at work and internal,) I’m holding fast to this truth:

That I deserve to be nourished fully. I deserve to do whatever it takes to take care of me.

I’ve been saying this for a long time. Years, actually.

But the most amazing thing has happened over the past week or so – I’m not paying lip service anymore. This truth is seeping out from the inside. My instinct to care for myself is awakening.

The panicked calorie totalling that enveloped me in the beginning part of the past week, moved slowly to idle curiousity. And after Pat’s assurance that I’m maintaining my weight, I find that, at least for the moment, when I’m in comfortable, predictable surroundings, I trust myself.

I still am working on that trust when I’m out of my usual element.

And that’s okay.

Right now, I’m not in any rush.

* I wonder if this is the type of love and compassion that Aimee Liu speaks about in her recent blog posts over at Life After Recovery (Love, To Live and Love, To Live II)? If it is, it’s wonderful.


Tracey said...


What a wonderully powerful and inspirational blog! I stummbled upon your site and am so happy I did.

Having an ED daughter I really can relate to this post as she still struggles with fear-foods, but is too "evolving" and continuing on her road to recovery.

Sorry this may sound so over-the-top, but I was very touched by this post, and also because you are a Mom and battling an ED (kick ED's butt!) and really happy for what sounds to be a profound and positive turning point (not withouth it's snags and moments) for you. Bravo and keep going!

Wishing you Continued Health, Strength and Happiness!


Jeanne said...

Hello Tracey,


It is not over the top at all.

I wish your daughter good health and continued evolution!