Saturday, November 3, 2007

Appointment went well; worrying about trolls, redefining this space

My appointment with John went well. I found the place just fine (even though i couldn't find the directions and map I printed out.)

Note to self: when one way streets are involved, always be sure to print out directions to get home.

I drove around the city for a few minutes, trying to figure out how to get on the major route that would get me home. Eventually, I found the visitor's center and asked and made it home safe and sound.

My appointment, as I said, went well. We recapped the past few months and he reassured me that I'm doing well.

And that's what I needed to get out of the appointment, for the most part.

Oh, and John apologized for being hard to find. He had left on the original phone number I had for one month after he moved to the new place - which meant it got turned off this week. I told him not to worry - I'm a librarian! 8-)

So now, I have lots of details to my appointment which I plan on posting in my private blog. Because I'm worried about being attacked like others on the culdy have been recently.

So far, no one has bothered me. Of which I'm grateful, believe me. But I also need to be comfortable. And I'm just not comfortable having my very personal encounters on full view to mean-spirited anonymous trolls who may be reading this post right now, silent for now, but lurking in the shadows waiting for that moment when my guard comes down to strike.

What I'm getting at is this:
Digging Me Up will now be reserved for my public displays of defiance. For when I need to use my voice against the injustices of this eating-disordered world. For when I need to shout my accomplishments to the rooftops.

My private blog will dig into the nitty gritty of me and my issues. If you aren't already invited and you are interested in reading the week-to-week (I just can't do daily posts consistently,) send me an email (diggingmeup at gmail dot com) or post your email in the comments here.

Thank you all so much for your support!!!

Friday, November 2, 2007

A little off kilter...

I allowed myself to give in today.

I worked out with my personal trainer this morning, then went to a half hour basic metabolics class at noon.

The class was relatively easy - it was basic forms that the instructor will build on as the class moves on each week.

But I feel off balance.

I feel guilty for taking an extra half hour today - when my work is piling and piling up with no relief in sight.
I feel guilty for being completely unmotivated to work today.
I feel guilty because my workout with my trainer seemed easier. And Mike (my trainer) admitted that he went easy on the strength work in favor of more cardio to test how much pounding my ankle could take. (The ankle that I sprained over the summer.)
I feel guilty because I wanted another exercise high. I've been so tired lately.

So what lies beneath all the guilt?

I feel anxious about my appointment with John tomorrow. And not necessarily because I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to say (I have a general idea - recap me telling my mom, how I compartmentalized it all in order to handle my husband's crisis, how I now feel like I'm on square one with some things (not with my ED, that I've kept at bay (for the most part) throughout this all.)

I'm anxious because I'm going to his new office. In a city that is over a half hour's drive from my house. In a city that I've only breezed past as I made my way north to visit family.

And even though I'm planning to leave over an hour before I need to be there (which is 15 minutes early so I can fill out paper work for the office,) I'm still worried about not getting there in time. Getting lost amongst the one-way streets.

And so, I used exercise to lower my anxiety levels - if only for a little while.

How do I know that's what I did?

Because when I got back from class, I wolfed down my lunch and then panicked.

And got out a scrap of paper to write down everything that I ate so far and everything that I had brought with me. To make sure it was enough, but not too much.

I threw the paper away after I realized what I was doing.

I don't need to obsess over calories.

I am able to trust my body. I've been doing it for months now (more or less) and my body hasn't acted any different. My clothes still fit the same at all the same places on my cycle.

So, I'm taking a few deep breaths.

And I'm going to plunge back into work. And get as much done as I can. And if that means that I only organize my desk (which has become overrun, like it does by Friday every week,) so be it.

I can only do my best.

And that is ALWAYS good enough.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Pays to be a librarian

John is a hard man to find.

I tried calling the number that I had for his private voicemail (one that he assured me would always work no matter where he went.)

"This number is no longer in service."

I knew that he had joined a practice (he had previously been freelancing.) I knew where. I just, for the life of me, couldn't think of the name of the practice.

Google failed me - because John doesn't list his phone number.

So I turned to my insurance, hoping to find a clue to the practice that he joined. I never imagined that my insurance's doctor finder would have updated information.

But it did.

So I called John's new office.
The practice he's with now is large - has many therapists. And has an on-call therapist as well.

I made an appointment for Saturday. He has Saturday hours now! Unfortunately, his new office is at least a half hour drive away from where I live. Ugh.
But on the other hand, maybe that will be good - give me some drive-time to decompress before returning home.

I'm a little nervous about my appointment - I mean in some ways it seems anti-climatic and totally after the fact to talk about telling my mom.
But I also know that I slammed the entire event (feelings included) into a box and if I don't take them out in a safe place, they will haunt me. Like ghosts on Halloween...

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Guilty Pleasure

Well, life is good.

For the past few nights, I've been indulging in one of my guilty pleasures - watching "Dancing with the Stars" on I LOVE the player the fact that they are posting the whole shows. I FINALLY get to watch a season of it!!

And, I'm addicted. Part of me would love to watch Grey's Anatomy and get into Samantha Who? and all the other shows that they are posting, but besides there being only 24 hours in a day, I don't need to escape into TV shows anymore.

When I was younger, I escaped from my life every single chance I could get. I watched TONS of TV and read HEAPS of books. And when I wasn't reading or watching, I was pretending I was a part of the TV life or the novel. I needed to imagine people showing me that I was loved and cared about. I needed to pretend that I was accepted.

I don't need to live life vicariously anymore.

So why do I watch "Dancing with the Stars?"

Simple. To refine my dance movements!!


My husband is buying me a pole for my "all-year-round" present. I pick it up at the studio this week and install it next weekend.

I can't wait!!!


Oh, and on Friday night, my son fell asleep early (like dinner time.)

So what did I do most of the night?

Watched "What Not to Wear."

I usually hate reality shows, especially the makeover shows. But this one, I like overall. Clinton and Stacy emphasize that every body is beautiful; that you need to dress the body you have, not the body you want. That when you dress to fit your body, you FEEL better about yourself and thus exude confidence which is infectious.

And as I watched three women become transformed over the three episodes that I watched, my own new-found love of my body increased.

We are all beautiful!