Thursday, July 19, 2007

Confusion leads to anger... will anger lead to hate?

Enough sitting around looking at the hedges... My stress bucket is overflowing; time to relieve some of the emotions.

I am angry at my brother - what he did was horrible and impacted my life in so many ways; still impacts how I view my body and intimacy. I've had to and continue to work so damn hard on healing from what he did to me when I was an impressionable pre-teen.

And yet, I see him as he is now - a man in his mid-30s, father of 4 beautifully amazing girls, husband to a woman with Crohns (among other medical problems,) seemingly devoted, dedicated, adoring and caregiving...

I can't help but wonder why he ever touched me the way that he did. Why did he molest me?

Is this a mask that he wears - this seemingly saintliness? Or is this the real thing - a man who regrets his actions and attempts atonement?

My heart leads me to believe that he is the real thing - he truly regrets the torment he put me through and lives his life as "good" as he possibly can to somehow, someway make up for the pain he caused me, his only sister.

When I first discussed these events with John, my therapist, I had said that I wanted to know why Tom molested me. He replied that there was no good reason for what he did to me. "It was all bad."

Absolutely true.

But a part of me would like to have that dialogue with Tom - someday in the distant future. I think I deserve to know why the hell he didn't think about what he was doing; why he cared so little about me; why he treated me as less than human. I wonder if knowing his not-ever-going-to-be-good-enough reasons will ease my anger? I wonder if knowing why, from his perspective, will help me heal...

But then, there was no good reason for him molesting his younger sister. None. Nada. Zippo. Zilch. Zero.

So would hearing any reason help me feel less anger? Or would it just piss me off more to have validated that there is no good reason?

I feel so angry. I have every right to. John said that I may always be angry and that is absolutely okay.

So why do I want to get rid of my righteous anger?

Because my brother is a nice

I hate that. It would be a hundred times easier if he was slimy or cruel or evil.

But he isn't. There is good in him, and damnit, he lets it show.

So, is anyone surprised that I feel for Padme and Luke?**

* I've been watching a lot of Star Wars lately. For those in the dark, my main man, Yoda, says "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."
** Even though Darth Vader did some terrible things, Padme and Luke believed that there was good in him and could be turned back to the light.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

What a magnificent leaf on that hedge...

This past weekend, I trekked back to my hometown to visit family and friends. My goals were to spend some quality time with my grandma (she'll be 95 in September - and still sharp as a tack, although a bit slower walking as ever;)connect with my bestest girlfriend ever and catch up on things; and to have my son play with his bestest friends from his "very old school" as he puts it.
Goals accomplished. Weekend enjoyed thoroughly!

As I think I mentioned in previous posts, I had a rather large challenge to overcome. Seeing my brother, Tom, the one who molested me when I was younger, for the first time since my email confrontation and his verification that the memories were real and actually happened.

The Monday before, I emailed Tom - gave him the ground rules: No hugging me; no touching me; no lengthy conversations; and no being alone with my son.

He agreed to them; said he understood.

Which of course, flared my confusion (how can I be angry at such an understanding, nice man?) into anger (how can such an understanding, nice man have done what he did to me so many years ago?)

Anyway, to make a long story shorter - he respected my rules. I did speak to him once on Sunday afternoon - a compliment on not burning the burgers (like my dad used to.) I wanted him to know that I appreciated his acceptance of my conditions.

I just emailed him to thank him for following my wishes and that it has gone a long way towards rebuilding my trust.

So now that I've been home for a few days and have had time to digest (no pun intended,) I am left feeling... fat. Which usually means that my emotions are brimming to the rim. Although, I'm not uncomfortable about feeling fat. I know it is just a metaphor. I know that I'll sort through my emotions eventually and in my own good time. No rush. No need to flip out.

Sometimes, just acknowledging that I'm in the middle of a complex labyrinth is enough; to sit down, breathe deeply, and rest, perhaps examine the hedgerows that line the maze for a while...

And that's quite okay.

Monday, July 16, 2007


This is going to be a really short post - I just got back from a weekend with the extended family, but I wanted to report that I am limping without crutches!