Friday, June 22, 2007

What's Your Theme Song?

My therapist asked me once if I had a theme song - a song that defines me.

I thought about it (after wiping the puzzlement from my face) and couldn't think of one all-defining song. Many songs have spoken to me over my life; a different one for every stage of growth. For instance, Billy Joel's "Code of Silence" from The Bridge CD (I think) really spoke to me when my I first began to uncover the pain inside. But it wasn't a theme song for long. I changed that.

I thought about all sorts of songs - my taste in music is rather broad; my mixes often combine Creed, Billy Joel, Richard Marx, Nickelback, and Bon Jovi with John Denver, Michael Buble', Kenny Rogers, and Celine Dion. And then I usually throw in some Mozart or Beethoven.

Anyway, I digress.

On my drive home from therapy that night, I heard my theme song on the radio.
"Bitch" by Meredith Brooks.

"I'm a little bit of everything all rolled into one.
I'm a bitch; I'm a lover;
I'm a child; I'm a mother;
I'm a sinner; I'm a saint;
I do not feel ashamed."

Yup. That just about defines me.

And the best line of all, "You know you wouldn't want me any other way."

I carry the lyrics with me in my purse, so if I ever need a pick-me-up, I just sing the song in my head. Amazing, really - how one melody can empower us with so much strength.

So, what's your theme song?

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Take that ED!

Last night, I ate more than my usual, in other words more than I had planned. I wouldn't call it a binge since it was only a tablespoon or so of soynuts and a serving of my new favorite cereal, but I'm still feeling incredible anxiety over it. And fear. I feel like I've gained a hundred pounds overnight. I think I need to exercise for hours, or maintain constant movement to burn off the extra calories.
And the urge to restrict is extremely strong.

So what's really going on?
I'm excited that my parents are arriving today. I'm excited about Jack's graduation. I'm worried about how unfocused I've been the last few weeks at work - worried that my unproductiveness will reach my boss and I'll be reprimanded or something.
I'm worried that I'm forgetting something really important at work.

The last worries are rather far-fetched considering that I am doing everything that I need to do, meeting all deadlines, answering all requests in a timely fashion. It's just that things have slowed down a bit from the frenetic pace of the past two months. That isn't to say that I'm not busy, I just think that I've learned how to juggle better, more efficiently.

It's around 8:30 in the morning. I'm eating my cereal. One small piece at a time and when I pick up more than one piece, my ED lashes at out me.

So I've picked up my spoon. [The ED survivor's equivalent of giving the one-fingered salute.]

Take that ED!