Friday, November 2, 2007

A little off kilter...

I allowed myself to give in today.

I worked out with my personal trainer this morning, then went to a half hour basic metabolics class at noon.

The class was relatively easy - it was basic forms that the instructor will build on as the class moves on each week.

But I feel off balance.

I feel guilty for taking an extra half hour today - when my work is piling and piling up with no relief in sight.
I feel guilty for being completely unmotivated to work today.
I feel guilty because my workout with my trainer seemed easier. And Mike (my trainer) admitted that he went easy on the strength work in favor of more cardio to test how much pounding my ankle could take. (The ankle that I sprained over the summer.)
I feel guilty because I wanted another exercise high. I've been so tired lately.

So what lies beneath all the guilt?

I feel anxious about my appointment with John tomorrow. And not necessarily because I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to say (I have a general idea - recap me telling my mom, how I compartmentalized it all in order to handle my husband's crisis, how I now feel like I'm on square one with some things (not with my ED, that I've kept at bay (for the most part) throughout this all.)

I'm anxious because I'm going to his new office. In a city that is over a half hour's drive from my house. In a city that I've only breezed past as I made my way north to visit family.

And even though I'm planning to leave over an hour before I need to be there (which is 15 minutes early so I can fill out paper work for the office,) I'm still worried about not getting there in time. Getting lost amongst the one-way streets.

And so, I used exercise to lower my anxiety levels - if only for a little while.

How do I know that's what I did?

Because when I got back from class, I wolfed down my lunch and then panicked.

And got out a scrap of paper to write down everything that I ate so far and everything that I had brought with me. To make sure it was enough, but not too much.

I threw the paper away after I realized what I was doing.

I don't need to obsess over calories.

I am able to trust my body. I've been doing it for months now (more or less) and my body hasn't acted any different. My clothes still fit the same at all the same places on my cycle.

So, I'm taking a few deep breaths.

And I'm going to plunge back into work. And get as much done as I can. And if that means that I only organize my desk (which has become overrun, like it does by Friday every week,) so be it.

I can only do my best.

And that is ALWAYS good enough.


disordered girl said...

That doesn't sound like giving in to me, that sounds like hanging in there pretty freaking well despite hearing those voices and that awful, awful guilt.

Deep breaths, deep breaths...

Sarah said...

I love the way you ended this post. . . it's a lot going on. I myself get terrible anxiety before trying to navigate a new place. And it's been a while since you've seen John, and so much has happened -- I think it's perfectly natural to feel overwhelmed and try to deal with that by using familiar behaviors. (At least, that's what aamina says!)

Deep breaths, indeed. You can do it. You are doing it.


lauren said...

Doing your best is ALL that you can do for you sweetie, be gentle to yourself and know that giving in sometimes is ok as long as you are good to you and always remember to breathe!!!

Jeanne said...

Thank you, dg, sarah, and lauren!

I did take a lot of deep breaths and I got done what I could.

And I'm continuing to breathe deeply until I'm in my van after my appointment.


æ said...

you can do this jeanne. I would feel off-kilter too. and you don't have to get into anything with john if it doesn't feel right. you can take your time. you know that.

I'll be checking in this weekend in case you feel like posting about the appointment.

I'm thinking of you.


Eve said...

Dear Jeanne,

Good job on the hanging in yesterday, and good luck today. I'll be thinking of you.

Love, Eve

Jeanne said...

Thanks, ae and eve!

My appointment went well... I'll write about it later.