Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Protecting the father

A few of you brought up the fact that I am the gatekeeper. I am the keymaster. I am the keeper of the keys. I can tell my dad if I want to. This is my story to tell to whomever I need.

But I don't want to tell my dad. I want to protect him. He's been through so much the past few years - his mom (and close friend) suffering (and dying) from cancer; his father spewing venom at him constantly (blaming my dad for every bad decision my grandpa has made.)

But then there is a part of me that wants him to know - who wants everyone to know.

But then, telling him doesn't mean that it will be out in the open. Telling my mom and oldest brother (JJ) proves that.

So I've set a realistic expectation. My mom knows. My other brother knows.

For now, that's good enough.

And if my dad brings up brother, Tom, and it bothers me, I can say something then. I reserve that right.

And it is my right. One that I'm choosing not to exercise, right now.

It's okay.

I don't need to tell him right now. I'm sleeping better (perhaps because I'm exhausted dealing with other things, but still.) I am still managing my ED well - not restricting, not overexercising, not stuffing myself beyond full.

I'm okay.


æ said...

hey jeanne.


and what I think of as you being the gatekeeper means you also get to decide NOT to tell him.

sorry for sounding like you "should."

you get to call this one.


carrie said...


That's a very mature stance. Like you said, just because you may not tell him now doesn't mean you never have to tell him.

Good for you.


Phoenix said...

Good for you. I'm sure it feels good to know the decision is yours, and you can choose if and when you ever tell him.

And I'm glad to hear you're managing your ED. You're not restricting or overexercising or bingeing. Wow. And with all you have going on, that's particularly tough. When you're in a vulnerable state, it's easiest to succumb to the EDs. I tip my hat to you!

disordered girl said...

It is totally OK to feel like not telling him right now. Telling mom was a huge step. When the time is right with him, if it is right, you will know and do the right thing.

Faith said...

Sounds perfect. Sometimes the time isn't right (or may never be right). You know this for yourself.

I'm here.


lauren said...

jeanne, thinking about you and I think you have made an amazing choice and decision based on what is right for you and Im so proud of you for that!
Love to you

Sarah said...

whatever you decide to do, Jeanne -- I'm behind you.


Eve said...

I'm behind you too, Jeanne, offering my support. I know you will do what is best for you, when and if it is best for you to do it.

Jeanne said...

you definitely didn't sound like you were telling me i "should" do anything. Never fear! 8-)

Thanks. Gosh, I rarely think of myself as mature, but then, I don't remember a time when I didn't act that way. A friend of mine once called me an "old soul."

Yeah, ED makes the most sense when one is stressed... sucks, but there it is. I guess I've just learned (through lots of falling down) that ED lies.
Although I won't say that I'm not tempted... Oh, so tempted...

Thank you. You're right, I will know if the time is ever right

Thank you for being here. The time isn't always right, but we do know instinctually when the time comes.

Thank you. I'm proud of me, too.

Thank you for being behind me and standing with me.

Thank you, too, for your support.

Thank you all for staying with me - even though I'm a horribly inconsistent blogger!