Saturday, October 13, 2007

Doomed to dumpiness

AE most recent post mentioned about her feelings of being unconventional.

I can't remember a time when I felt conventional. Normal.

I rarely feel that I belong.

Most recently, on Thursday night in my dance class. I felt outside. The other women get together for purse parties and happy hours, sushi and dinner. And while I was invited to the purse party, I couldn't go - my family needed me.

And when I dance, I feel like the fattest one there. Wait, that's because I AM the fattest one in class.

I feel short and dumpy next to the tall and elegant and the petite and adorable.

Short and dumpy. It's how I've felt my entire life. Even next to people who are my own height.

I feel like I always say the wrong thing. It seems like I'm the only one who farts, the only one who can't do certain moves, the only one afraid.

And it only is magnified in class. Maybe because in the level that I'm in (6 and last) we work on solo routines. so instead of being able to fade into the crowd, I'm in the spotlight. And the spotlight burns.

Last Thursday, I watched most of the other women's routines. All of them were beautiful. Some more so than others, but all seemed to move smoother than me.

When I danced, my thighs skidded down the pole (making a completely embarrassing noise) instead of gently (silently) sliding down. I plopped onto the ground instead of gracefully landing softly. After taking my t-shirt off, my camisole rode up and the top of my shorty shorts flipped down a bit revealing my bulbous belly.

In short, instead of feeling beautiful and elegant dancing around the pole to "Have you really ever loved a woman" by Bryan Adams, I felt like a herd of elephants plowing into the pole.

All through my routine, I heard murmuring from my classmates. Only once did I hear what they said. It was while I was taking off my T-shirt or maybe my outside pair of shorts. It was something like, "We love that about her." (meaning the fact that I'm usually the first one to strip.)

When I finished my routine, my classmates all applauded (some even pounded the floor.) A few told me that my routine was awesome.

So why do I think that they are lying to me in the "let's make the fat girl feel good about herself" way?

Ugh. And I had been so "good" the last few nights - not having dessert if I wasn't really hungry and here I sit tonight with ice cream curdling in my tummy. Okay, so it was a serving size portion with a little trailmix cereal and some whipped cream on top. Hardly anything that will break the bank, but still. I can't stand that I succombed when I wasn't really hungry.

So what's really going on? Why am I focusing on food? Why am I berating my body?

I'm nervous about performing my routine in front of my class on Thursday and then in front of my husband (and lots of other spouses and invited guests) at the recital on Friday.

I'm scared that my husband will take seeing my routine as an invitation to things that I'm not ready for. Especially after the month that I've had (and am still having.)

Life has gotten in the way of my dealing with my issues. Specifically the ones I have with intimacy. I've had a month's reprieve, so to speak, and now, my husband is giving me signals... Signals that i'm not ready for. Signals that I don't want him to give. Not now.

I feel so fat. So ugly. So disgusting. I wish... I wish I knew how to throw up the ice cream I ate.

I have to say. I love my apartment. We're on the third floor and have an awesome view of fireworks. There's an amazing show going on tonight - in October no less!

But, it's bedtime for my son (and me.) May you all have sweet dreams!


Sarah said...

I know how you feel. I always feel just "wrong."


PS have I ever told you how freaking amazing I think it is that you dance? Because I do think it is really amazing.

Jeanne said...

Thanks, Sarah - I wish you didn't "get" it, because it's an awful to feel this way.

And thanks - sometimes I have to remind myself how far I've come with my dancing.