Thursday, August 2, 2007

To sleep, perchance not to dream

I'm so thoroughly exhausted.

And I'm not exactly sure why.

Okay, that isn't true.

I've been having strange dreams every night for over a week now. Ever since I stopped taking ibupr0fen for my ankle... I wake up feeling tired and disturbed as the details of the dreams vanish.

I know that my mind uses dreams to help me process emotions/events. I wonder if remembering the dreams would help me figure out what it is that my mind is processing...

I feel like I spend my days in a bubble. I think I'm depressed. Again. I don't want to socialize (except with my son and husband,) I have no motivation, I just want to sleep (although that could have lots to do with my lack of restful sleep.) ... I feel numb and yet, tears spring to my eyes at the mention of something remotely sad. Like just now, I was reading an article about the bridge collapse in Minnesota. I got to the part about the kids in the school bus and I just wanted to burst into tears. I went into the ladies to cry, but by then the tears wouldn't come.

Which is why I'm writing.

So if this is depression and not just exhaustion, why am I depressed again? What is my mind trying to process with these dreams???

What emotions am I not willing to acknowledge that need an outlet?

I suppose the good thing is that I'm coping without using food or exercise. Even though I've thought about it... But I know it won't help, so I don't.

So what is really going on inside of me?

I'm not sure I want to know. I'm not sure I want to dig right now.

More importantly, why haven't I told my husband? Why am I ashamed that I'm depressed? What is so wrong with it? Why do I immediately think that something is wrong with me?

Can't someone be depressed just because? Is it such a horrible thing? Isn't depression just another emotion? Neither good nor bad? Just is?

So maybe my depression is just a compilation of a lot of "little" things that I haven't thought much of because each alone are "little" - a friend at work leaving, work with no base-touching with my boss for a few weeks (to keep me in the right direction, especially on projects she's asked me to be involved with,) not able to walk with the same vigor because my ankle is healing slowly (well, in relation to my expectations,) missing the daily interaction I had with the friends that I made at my son's former childcare center, thinking about how my parents and my in-laws aren't getting any younger (my mom-in-law just turned 60) ...

All sad things. Naturally depressing. Normal.

And maybe I am feeling it more acutely because I haven't shared this with my husband? He has so much more energy and he is happier. I really love seeing him so excited! I guess I just haven't wanted to bring him down, and yet, I have been (unconsciously and innocently) bringing both of us down, haven't I? By not stopping and figuring out what it is that is bothering me so that I could share it with him.

I suppose I should take my own medicine sometimes - "Take care of yourself first or you won't be able to care for anyone else."

I'm glad that I am being true to myself, letting myself be, feeling what I feel even when I don't have time to think about the whys.

[deep breath]

But wow.

Amazing how much better I feel just writing this down (with the intention of publishing it, after I email it to my husband.)


æ said...

hang in there Jeanne. Noticing it is just the first part to letting it happen, I think.

And you sound like you're doing so well with that.


Faith said...

woo hoo on emailing to the husb. I found something out. They really can't read our minds and then their all idiotic and "is everything ok?" and I usually respond with, "of course everything's not ok!" after ten rounds of "everything's fine"

also - great that you are noticing the depression. It doesn't have to be as bad as the last time and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Really.


ms. em said...

hi jeanne,

i think at times it's just logical to be depressed. and, when you started writing about why you could be depressed, it seems like you answered your own question. amazing! i know it doesn't make the feelings any better, but give yourself some credit for listening to yourself!

take good care of you!

ms. em

Sarah said...

I think it's just the nature of depression, Jeanne. It comes around when it's time for it to come around and we don't always know why. I was just talking with a friend about this last night.

I'm glad you decided to e-mail your husband. I hope it helped!!

Sarah (another strange dreamer this week)

æ said...


(duh, I knew it was here somewhere)


Jeanne said...

Thanks, ae, faith, ms. em, and sarah!!

My hubby called me as soon as he read my email - we had a wonderful long talk (once I explained to him that really I trust him absolutely and that he is the first person I want to share things with - just as soon as I figure out what is going on inside of me.)

I feel better. Not all better, but better. I even slept better last night. I still had wonky dreams, but I wasn't quite so disturbed by them.

I am trying to let things happen. To not always be in control of everything... Easier said than done sometimes, but I suppose the important thing is that I keep plugging away.

Yup, you found it - "Digging me up!" lol

Yeah, it took me over a decade to figure out that my hubby isn't Kreskin. lol

And thanks - you're right being depressed is nothing to be ashamed of. And even if it is as bad (or worse) than the last time, I'm in a different place - with a few new tools and a lot of support from all of you!

ms. em,
Thank you! You're right - I did acknowledge my feelings, let myself feel them, and then shared them with others. I listened to myself. And I did it all without restricting or bingeing!! 8-)

One of my favorite sayings is, "Everything happens for a reason, though we may not know it at the time."