Friday, August 3, 2007

There's no crying in the gym... Right?

I'm working really, really, really hard to just let myself feel what I feel when I feel it.

Somedays, it's easier than others.

Today was one of the harder days...

I worked out with my personal trainer and halfway through my workout, I just wanted to sit and cry. Granted, every muscle in my body was beyond fatigued and SCREAMING, but that isn't necessarily unusual when I workout with my trainer - I pay him to fatigue my muscles so that my body makes more muscles and thus, I get stronger.

But I never wanted to cry my eyes out before when it happens. I was extremely embarrassed, but would have been completely mortified if I had broken down into sobs in front of my trainer. I choked down my tears. And wheezed for like a minute. Scared me. I felt like I was having an asthma attack (not that I have ever had asthma...) So I swallowed my emotions and finished the workout (which I think was a touch easier than my trainer had originally planned. My trainer is good.)

I probably should be disappointed in myself - for not going with the emotion, however I am a firm believer in "there's a time and place for everything." In the middle of a gym with someone I have a professional relationship is NOT the place. The middle of an intense workout is definitely not the time.

Over the rest of my workday, my thoughts drifted back to the tears.

Why?

Add to it that I had a strange reaction to a relaxation exercise my dance instructor led us through last night after our workout. I was laying on the mat, on my back, palms up, and was trying to soften various body parts as my instructor directed. Then she told us to imagine a huge smile, a nice big cheezy one, but not to actually do it. "Feel the energy in your face, spread it to your head, your neck, your chest, your ..." and so on down the body.
The energy didn't get beyond my head before it was gone.
I tried to get it back.
And then I felt incredibly uncomfortable. Almost panicky.
I opened my eyes to bring me back to the moment.
Luckily, the exercise ended.

But my reaction bothered me. It was more that I am just a naturally tense person who has never learned to relax. It felt more than that.

But what?

I'm not sure I'm ready to dig it up.

I told my hubby about both things - the pseudo-asthma attack, the interrupted meditation. He said (among other extremely supportive things, of course,) "Go see John."

I know he's right. I know I should call up John, make an appointment, talk to him about all of this.

I'm hesitant.

I'm making excuses - it's PMS; it's just the end of a stressful month; it's just...

But there is the worry that maybe it's more than that.

But then, I don't really doubt that it might be something more and probably about my brother and the CSA.

I'm just scared. Scared to dig any deeper than I have already. I know it happened; isn't that enough?

My mind is telling me that it might not be...

And it's happening now because I'm even stronger. I'm not using my ED to cope anymore. I'm taking care of me better than I ever have.

So, I guess I need to make that call to John.

3 comments:

æ said...

Go see John. Your body is so smart Jeanne, and it knows best.

(Then report back to us--I mean, only if you want to of course ;) )

love,
ae

ms. em said...

do whatever you need to do to take good care of you, as you continue to do.

love,
ms. em

Jeanne said...

Thanks, ae.

Thanks, ms. em.

I really appreciate your support.

I just left a voicemail for John. [deep breath]

So now I just need to figure out what I really need to talk about... maybe I'll post about it later.