Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Sometimes the sun rises at sunset

I feel better.

I figured out that part of my depression came from more than just the conversation with my brother and the future conversation with my parents.

Tonight, I spoke my fears (about another event unrelated to the abuse) out loud to my husband. And not only that, I actually cried in front of him. Before he cried. And I didn't stop myself.

Okay, these probably don't seem real kudos-worthy, but for me they are HUGE steps.

Usually, I only cry when someone else cries first, and then only for a few seconds before tamping them down and "getting a hold of myself."

And this was the very first time that I talked to anyone (aside from my T), about my fears - as I was feeling the fear.

And the most amazing part of all this for me is that I didn't give into my desire to binge the last few days. And while I stayed away from mega sweets (because those are my entry into binge mode foods,) I didn't restrict either - I didn't skip lunch or breakfast or snacks.
I didn't use my ED to cope. I felt the depression, allowed myself to scratch through to the fear underneath, and then exposed it to the light of day by telling my husband.

And he was incredibly supportive and understanding and wonderful!


And while I am still depressed (as everyone has reassured me that it is expected after all I've been dealing with (and continue to work on,) I feel better.

I almost feel ready to try facing my anger (at my brother, Tom.) Tomorrow, I'm taking a kickboxing class at work. And they have just installed a punching bag in the fitness center at work. If I get into the class, maybe I'll linger for a few minutes and work on my anger at the bag...

Thank you so much everyone - really, I don't know how I would get through this without all of your encouragement and support, love and friendship. You all are amazing people. Thank you!

4 comments:

æ said...

what great news. I'm so impressed Jeanne, way to push yourself to grow, in safe and also in challenging environments.

I think Faith just brought up self-defense classes...I have been thinking about that or kickboxing myself. I feel pretty self-conscious about it still and don't have the best track-record at attending classes I've paid for but hmm, I'm interested in what you think of it.

Keep letting the depression happen, if you can. I know it will lift, and I hope (and believe) that with each lifting, the residual layer of it will get lighter.

love
lovelove
ae

Faith said...

I think AE and I are chasing each other around the blogosphere.

Anyway, I'm glad you're taking a kickboxing class. And that you're letting yourself emote with your husband. Getting out of any comfort box is totally totally kudos worthy.

KUDOS to you!

xo
Faith

hayley said...

hi

You are doing such good work jeanne. I really do understand how hard it is to actually show someone (through crying) that you are having a hard time. and all this stress without binging or restricting? you really are a fighter. I hope today is a good one.

love h.x

Jeanne said...

ae,

Thank you. I am proud of myself, too. 8-)

I think you're right, Faith did bring up a self-defense/kickboxing class. My work offers a free kickboxing class every Thursday at noon - I've been taking it for a while, but I always thought of the moves as dance-y/aerobic-y. A few weeks ago, I actually used the moves to release a little of my anger and it felt good. Today, I think I'll try it again - use the moves to connect with my anger... I'll let you know how it goes.

Yeah, the depression will lift - if I keep being true to myself and my emotions.

love you, too, ae!


faith,

Thank you for the kudos!! I'm proud of myself, too - for stepping out of my comfort zone both in sharing my fears with my husband and for letting the emotions flow.

sending love to you.


hayley,

I feel like a fighter today. For once, I'm acknowledging my accomplishments - no matter how small they may seem to others.

love you, too.