Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Rehearsing...

I see John tomorrow.

I'm scared.

Scared that he won't be able to help me, that I won't be able to start a path towards relief (and restful sleep,) that he'll shrug and tell me, "Your life is good, learn to live it."

I'm scared that he will be able to help me, that I'll have to face the memories, the feelings, that I might lose control of myself or that I won't and thus, won't move forward.

And yet, I can't imagine not going through with this. I won't live this way for the rest of my life. I refuse.

Sure, my life is good - I have a wonderful husband, an adorable son, a lovable (even though he is old and crotchedy sometimes) furry son. I have a good job, a beautiful apartment, health care to beat the band, etc.

But I feel broken. I still compartmentalize just about everything in my life. I try to live in the moment, feel what I feel, but I don't often succeed. I can acknowledge what I am feeling (which is a big step for me,) but I'm not really feeling most emotions.

I'm still not really feeling my feelings - especially over the past few weeks when my dreams have disturbed more than my rest.

So, what am I going to say to John tomorrow? (aside from the common pleasantries.)

"John, I'm not done dealing with what happened to me - the abuse. My mind and body are telling me through the disturbing dreams that I can't remember but which rob me of my sleep that there is more I need to do. More I need to process.

"I need your help. First to work through my fear of letting my guard down - giving up control; then to work through actually feeling the feelings around and about being abused.

"I can't compartmentalize this anymore. I won't.

"Can you help me?"

I think that sums it up fairly nicely...
Short and I think covers the ground.

I feel a little less frightened, now that I have an idea of what to say.

10 comments:

æ said...

I think it sounds beautiful.

Inspirational.

Really.

I think if you say all that--that that's in your heart--that what you are seeking will open itself up to you. Or you will realize John's not the one. Or, or, or...I think if you walk in there clear like that, like what you wrote, then you will know, in the moment, what is right for you next.

You are so brave. Thank you for letting us witness your bravery.

I am here for your next steps.

love
ae

carrie said...

Fabulous.

Compartmentalizing is a huge issue for me. It's like I create different selves, I shove things I don't want to deal with in this little filing cabinet in the back of my brain and then try to forget about it.

Yes, you were abused. It was horrible. No one should ever have to go through that. EVER. But that's not who you are. It's something you went through and survived.

Good luck tomorrow. I'm here for ya, any time.

xoCarrieox

Faith said...

I think telling him everything you wrote from "I'm scared" to "Can you help me?" and everything in between. I might even suggest printing this out and giving it to him. I think it's so important for our therapists to know where we're at. I know that I tend to gloss over my in therapy fears but I think those are really important.

I'm glad you brought this here Jeanne!

I'll be thinking about you tomorrow.
xo
Faith

disordered girl said...

That sounds like a great way to state what you need. Good luck to you!

hayley said...

that sounds like the right thing.

I hope it goes well.

Thinking of you.

love h.x

lauren said...

Your life does sound amazing, you deserve to have it and to not have to live this way with these thoughts and fears and unhappiness and saddness,
You can do this and he can help you just let him and let yourself be happy!
Baby steps sweetie!!!
Love lauren

Jeanne said...

ae, carrie, faith, dg, hayley, and lauren,

Thank you so much! I really need all the support and encouragement that you all so willing give. Thank you!!

I'll be sure to let you know how it goes...

æ said...

thinking of you, with care.

ae

Sarah said...

Hi. I am thinking of you, Jeanne. I think what you've set out here is just right. If John is as good as he sounds, I'm sure he'll get it.

I'm a little confused on the timing -- not sure if you've already gone, or are getting ready to go -- but I wanted to let you know I've been thinking of you today.

Jeanne said...

Thanks, ae.

Thanks, sarah.

Thank you all for your support.

8-)

(I posted about my session... John is really good.)