Friday, August 31, 2007

Need to purge (in a healthy way)

I need to get some things out...

****Warning****

The below may include triggers (food with some amounts, urges, etc.) Proceed with caution and care for yourself.


****End Warning****


I've been sitting (knitting furiously while watching Charmed DVDs) with the urge to throw up all night. Not that I know (or have ever known) how to make myself throw up at will. I physically can't do it.

It's not that I really binged either. Granted, I challenged myself today. I gave in to my craving for really good steak fries and a chicken wrap (I highly recommend Red Robin.) And I still ate dinner and I still had a homemade sundae with 2 scoops of ice cream and whipped cream and sprinkles and almonds.

And now I feel full. Not stuffed. Just full.

And I hate it.

But what I hate more is the incredible sadness that I'm feeling.

My son starts kindergarten on Tuesday. We (Todd and Jack) met his teachers today and saw (and played in) his classroom. And then we went out for lunch (afore-mentioned Red Robin) then we went bowling. We had an awesome time, despite my son slipping and whacking his head. (Did you know that the reason you stay in front of the line on the alley is because the lane is oiled for about half of the way to the pins? I learned that today... I had always thought that the fould line was just to keep things fair among competitors. Whoddathunk?)

So anyway, all day, I've been fighting back tears. I called my grandma and talked to her for about a half hour. She sent me a card and I wanted to thank her. My grandma is 94 years old (well, at least for another few weeks...)

Until around 4 when I couldn't hold them back anymore. I went to the bathroom and cried.

My son is going to school.

Time is going too quickly. Way too quickly.

If I'm lucky, I'm about a third of the way through my life.

One third gone.

Never to return.

And how did I spend this time???

Up until recently, I've spent it hating myself. Torturing myself. Punishing myself with feelings of shame and disgust for something I didn't do. For something that happened TO me. Was done to me.

And I feel incredibly sad.

I just want to cry.

As I mentioned, I've been watching episodes from Charmed. One of the Charmed Ones* (Piper) had the power to freeze time.

How I envy her sometimes. Sometimes I just want to freeze everything but me, if only for a few minutes, to give me time to truly experience everything. Give me time to cry when I'm in the moment of feeling sad (without anyone else seeing.)

I'm embarrassed by how sad I feel. I mean, really, what happened to me happened over 20 years ago. All kids start school. Everyone grows up; it's natural. the way of things. Everyone gets older...

I have no intention of ever wishing for Jack to stay small. And yet, I can't help but wish that time would Slow. down.

Give me time to process. Give me time to feel. I'm new at this feeling all feelings thing. It takes me a long time to process what I'm feeling, let alone let myself show it.

Give me time to live. After spending 30 years frozen.

and what really sucks. The thing that makes me so angry?

I never got to enjoy the time when one can let her/his feelings flow and everyone else be damned. That time, as a kid, when you can cry when you are hurt and sad, laugh outrageously when you are happy, stamp and kick and scream when you are angry. Like today, when my son whacked his noggin on the floor at the bowling alley... He seemed to carry on and on. I held him and rocked him (Todd sat next to us and held his hand.) And I just let him cry. He was scared more than hurt, really, but you know? That was okay. Eventually, he stopped. (after only a prompting from Todd and me to take a few deep breaths.) And he felt so much better. Because he let it all out. He wasn't worried about people staring at him or what someone would think. He felt and let it out. And then it was done.

I was proud of him.

And Todd and I, too. Because we let him. Even though we were brought up to think that "one shouldn't make a scene."

We did good.

***
Sorry... brief pause there (not that you noticed. lol) My son wanted a hug. He asked me, "Does everyone close their eyes when they hug?"

I never noticed before that moment, that I always close my eyes when I hug or am hugged. I asked Jack, "why do you think that is?"

"I dunno."

I told him that I think people close their eyes so that they can focus on feeling the hug without being distracted by sight. For me, I focus on feeling the love flow between me and the other person.

Okay, I admit, it's rather cosmic, karmic, metaphysical. But if you've never tried it, try it. It really is amazing the glow you feel when you imagine the love flowing back and forth. Strengthening. Comforting.
***

My son is tired... Time for bed. For mommy, too...

10 comments:

Eve said...

Dear Jeanne,

Please don't focus on the time you've "wasted." Rather, focus on all the work you have done, all the progress you have made, all the bases you have laid down, that will make the next two-thirds of your life so incredibly amazing. You are truly appreciating your life (e.g. taking time to give your son a hug), and while that doesn't stop or slow down time, it is a good way to make sure you are getting the most out of it, which is the next best thing.

I hope you have a great weekend!

Love, Eve

em said...

this is the reason i keep having children - because they grow up too darn fast!

my daughter starts school in january (the start of the school year here). where did my baby girl go?

i sometimes think I've wasted time too. I've probably live a half of my life and so much of it has revolved around my ed. which is why i'm determined to live the second half of my life differently.

æ said...

I want you to know how deeply this post resonated with me, especially the way you pulled it out. I felt a lot of feeling in this post--I want you to know that.

And also, I too feel very sad about what has not happened, how I feel like here I am, at my age, starting from Square One. ...But I'm not READY to already be here yet--I just got started! I wish, like you said, the rhythm of life would just slow down while I work on catching up.

I don't want to miss it twice.

Dear Jeanne, congratulations on being part of such an amazing family. You raised Jack to tentatively branch out now. He'll do so well.

love,
ae

carrie said...

Jeanne,

I'm glad you let those emotions out. It's hard for me to come to terms with what happened so many years ago. And I didn't have the kind of trauma that you had. Yet still I wonder: where did that girl go?

I remember an episode of Grey's Anatomy that I saw about two weeks ago, and one man had to have his foot amputated. He asked Dr. Yang (Sandra Oh) what he was going to do now. And she looked at him and said: Take care of your other foot.

So let's take care of the feet we have left.

xoCarrieox

disordered girl said...

Eve is so right. It's OK to cry, especially over all the things you've gone through. Just don't let the crying distract you from the promise of now. You've got so much to enjoy and offer!

Faith said...

Jeanne -

I'm so sorry I was gone all weekend. I do want to say that I am so proud of you for letting the little guy just feel. Wow. I didn't even know that was acceptable. Thank you for being such a good mom.

Also, regarding the "wasted time". I hear that. I feel like I have wasted a huge portion of my life procrastinating, purging, binging, obsessing. What did it get me? I am trying so so hard to break this cycle and I'm really glad you're in it with me.

xo
Faith

Sarah said...

Hi Jeanne. I am thinking of you.

Right.

Now.

xoxo
Sarah

lauren said...

Lots of things came up for me in this post today! I forget how fast time does fly because I focus so much on myself, but just know that you are doing all needed to cherish time, your feelings are so real and so yours, to feel to hate to love to cry to laugh to whatever the hell you feel like!!
You are doing an amazing job as a mom, keep it up, time so does fyl treasure it like I know you do!!
Love to you Lauren

æ said...

been thinking of you :)

love,
ae

Jeanne said...

Thank you so much everyone! I'm sorry I've been out of it lately.


Eve,
Thank you! When I hug my son or snuggle with my husband, time does seem to slow down. So you’re right – appreciating life, enjoying the moments is the next best thing.


em,
It’s funny - Children growing too fast is the reason I don’t want any more. I want to be fully focused on Jack as he grows; I don’t want to miss a thing. But that’s just me. 8-)
Our determination, em, will be what saves the next phase of our lifes from ED. I know we both won’t miss any more of our lives because we are aware and wary.
Thank you!


ae,
Yeah, there was a lot of feelings. Every year, Labor Day (US) weekend is an especially emotional time for me. Am I the only one who has an emotional nexus at the same time each year?
Our awareness will save us for missing out on any more of life. I truly believe that.
I’ve been told by all of Jack’s teachers (both at his elementary school and at his “day school” (daycare)) that Jack is a wonderful kid. He listens; he’s courteous; he’s helpful. He’s a complete joy in class. And I’m one proud mama. 8-)
Thank you for thinking of me. I’m sorry I wasn’t online much lately to support you in words, but know that I was thinking of you often and sending lots of supporting vibes to you!


Carrie,
I think I would love Grey’s Anatomy – I’ve never been able to see it since it’s on so late where I live.
“Take care of your other foot” – that is amazing advice. Absolutely true.
Thank you!


DG,
You’re right – crying is okay. I just have to learn how to let it out when it wants to come out and not hold it inside until it bursts forth like Mt. St. Helen…
Thank you!


Faith,
No apologies necessary – I haven’t been around much either. (I’m trying to catch up…)
Yeah, I didn’t know that feeling feelings until they run their course was acceptable either. I’m not sure it is acceptable in society, but it is in my house. It has to be.
I’m really glad that you’re with me, too, in this journey!
Thank you!


Sarah,
I’m thinking of you, too. Have been, even though I’m way behind.
Thank you!


Lauren,
Thank you! I need lots of reminders that I *am* cherishing the time that I have and treasuring each moment.