Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Instincts? Use 'em if you've got 'em...

So, I saw John tonight (Tuesday.)

I told him about my conversation with my brother, Johnny. My thoughts/feelings about it (see previous post) as well how I think my brother is underestimating my parents' ability to handle things (details.)

Basically, he told me that my instincts have been right all along in this process; there is no reason to think they would be wrong this time.

He told me that I was brave. That many people wouldn't have fought this hard.

He said that anytime someone goes into something knowing its the right thing for that person to do, the outcome is usually good. The fact that I know that I need to tell my parents is enough to bet on a good outcome.

We talked about why I need to tell my parents; what I need from them. I said that I just need them to know. It would be nice if they understood - especially if they understood my anger towards Tom. I don't need them to believe me - I know that the abuse happened; Tom confirmed that. It would be great if they hugged me and said that they loved me and all that, but I know that's a fairy tale. And I'm okay with that. I don't expect emotional support from my family anymore. Sad? Sure, it is, but it's healthy for me.

He taught me how to break bad news to someone - just like cops are trained. John confirmed that telling someone this kind of thing is all in how you spin it.

So, basically, I tell my parents something like:

Mom, I have something difficult to tell you. I talked to Tom about it last fall and he confirmed that it really happened. I talked with Todd and even Johnny, and now I need you and dad to know. [pause]
When I was around 11, Tom sexually molested me at least twice. It's the reason I have an eating disorder, the reason I almost lost my marriage.
I just need you to know.

From here, I can tell her my feelings - anger at Tom which is normal and may last a very long time; I can explain how Tom and I can be civil when necessary. And if needed, I can remind her that eating disorders are deadly diseases - I could have died. I almost lost my marriage because when Tom did that to me, he caused me to lose trust in others, in myself. I have every right to be angry.

So, now, I wait til my parents come to visit me. (John agreed that face-to-face would be best for this kind of thing.) Hopefully, that will be sooner rather than later... I'm the kind of person who likes to get things over with as quickly as possible. Especially when the things stand in the way of my health and happiness.

7 comments:

æ said...

*taking notes...*


(thanks for sharing this dear Jeanne)

ae

disordered girl said...

Wow, Jeanne, your courage is completely awe inspiring. We'll be thinking of you...

em said...

Wow - I'm so impressed. So very impressed! wow!

Sarah said...

John is right. You are brave. You are so brave. I'm so proud of you. You really inspire me with the way you're writing your own story.

xoxo
Sarah

Faith said...

How did I not see this yesterday? Amazing. Amazing. I wish you could hear my voice. I am just awed.

Jeanne. I am also taking notes.

xo
Faith

hayley said...

you are such a wonder jeanne.

love h.x

Jeanne said...

Ae, dg, em, sarah, faith, hayley,

Wow. Thank you! *blush*

I guess (hoping?) I’ll feel brave and courageous after I talk to my parents – which I’m not sure yet when they will be coming down. (Definitely not for a few weeks… I hate waiting.) I’ll write more about that soon.

Thank you all so much – truly, it’s hard for me to see how what I’m doing is brave when I just can’t imagine doing anything else (especially living this way any more, you know?) Thank you for helping me remember that I am brave... because I forget a lot.