Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Gloomy, both in and out

Depress.
According to American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition (2006 by Houghton Mifflin Company,) To depress means "to lower in spirits."

I am depressed.

My sleep is back to normal - which for me means being woken every now and then by my son or nature. I still dream weird and wacky dreams, but at least I feel like I've slept.

But I'm still tired. I'm still down. I'm still...

depressed.

That horrible, awful word.

That terrible, horrible feeling.

When I'd rather be curled up at home, preferrably in my bed, and dozing in and out of dreams. Trying to let whatever it is that is bothering me surface, swirl, become illuminated. And perhaps fit nicely into other pieces of the puzzle that is my mind.

But alas. I have no time for such meditations... no matter how beneficial they might be. At least, I don't have time right now. (I'm on a short break at work, before I dive back into the mess on my desk.)

So I compartmentalize once more. I put my feelings into a box - not to get rid of them. Not this time. Now it is more of a place holder, to be retrieved when I have more time.

But I never seem to have more time, do I? Until I'm overwhelmed to paralysis and non-function that I make time.

The urge to stuff (binge) is so strong today. And the gloomy weather isn't helping.

So I take lots of deep breaths.

And try my damnedest not to obsess about food.

***
I wrote this post yesterday - just never published it.

The same is true today though.

I hate that I feel so glum. And yet, I don't want to put on a false-happy face. I won't do that anymore. Not for anyone.

So I sit with these glum feelings, and feel quite morose and melancholy.

Maybe later, I'll give myself some time...

11 comments:

disordered girl said...

For what it's worth, I'm there with you girl. This too shall pass...

Jeanne said...

dg,

It's worth a lot to have you here with me. A whole lot.

Thank you.

Lulu said...

hi jeanne,
ugh. yuck. ick. bleck.

I'm here, listening.

love,
lulu

æ said...

hi jeanne,
I would be worried if you had done all you did the past few weeks and DIDN'T get depressed.

really.

If you think of depression as a response to extreme exertion or something really wearing, if you think of it as a response that says "I was just really overexposed, and now I need to withdraw a bit and feel safe"

it makes a lot of really good sense to feel low.

It will get better, if you just keep letting it be what it is. I believe.

love,
ae

Jeanne said...

Thanks, lulu - I know how busy you are right now. It means so much to me that you are here.


ae - you are wonderful. Thank you for reminding me that I have done a lot these past few weeks and that it's okay for me to be depressed. I need reminding, or else I tend to go all superwoman on myself - feeling guilty for not bouncing back immediately, and then punishing myself for being weak.

lauren said...

jeanne, you have been through so much, just keep taking care of yourself and remember how we are hear from you, loving you and holding you hand!
xoxoxoxo Lauren

Faith said...

Hey Jeanne. I agree with AE. Your body needs a break from all of the very hard work you've been doing. It's not surprising that you're feeling depressed.

I hope you can schedule some Jeanne time. Just for you to feel and to be with yourself and take care of you.

xo
Faith

carrie said...

I know the feeling all too well. My friend J from college says that she tries to enjoy her depression when it strikes. She's never clinically depressed, mind you, but she says she does a lot of good writing and poetry on those days.

This also explains why she's far more functional than me.

Have you ever tried those light boxes? I might get one later this fall. It's so damn gloomy these days, even weather-wise. It really gets to me. My psychiatrist told me not to stare at them too long or I might get eye damage. But then, I told him, I wouldn't mind being blind because I'd be so damn happy.

There's a little surprise arriving your way- probably tomorrow or the next day. I love waiting for things in the mail. Hope you do too.

xoCarrieox

em said...

You know that I know, don't you? I know just how this feels. Exactly. In fact, I could have written it. I hope it helps a little to know that you are not alone. So not alone.

Jeanne said...

lauren,
Thank you. I'm so glad that you are here, listening and holding my hand. I need a lot of hand-holding through all of this.


faith,
I took a walk today - for work (I get the local papers at the hospital lobby for the library. They're free there.) And I did some thinking and then I came back and journalled. And I figured a few things out (see my latest post.)
And I have a whole evening to myself tomorrow - a few hours before I go to dance class. I will give myself some time to just be.
Thank you so much, faith.


carrie,
I haven't tried a light box. Where I live, I usually don't have to worry about lack of sun (this stretch of a few days without sun is unusual.)

Ooooo, I do love surprises! I hope it is what I think it is... 8-)

Thank you for being here, carrie.

Jeanne said...

em,

We crossed in cyberspace.

It does make me feel less alone, but I'm sorry that you have to feel this way, too. you know?

Thanks, em. And you're not alone either.