Wednesday, July 18, 2007

What a magnificent leaf on that hedge...

This past weekend, I trekked back to my hometown to visit family and friends. My goals were to spend some quality time with my grandma (she'll be 95 in September - and still sharp as a tack, although a bit slower walking as ever;)connect with my bestest girlfriend ever and catch up on things; and to have my son play with his bestest friends from his "very old school" as he puts it.
Goals accomplished. Weekend enjoyed thoroughly!

As I think I mentioned in previous posts, I had a rather large challenge to overcome. Seeing my brother, Tom, the one who molested me when I was younger, for the first time since my email confrontation and his verification that the memories were real and actually happened.

The Monday before, I emailed Tom - gave him the ground rules: No hugging me; no touching me; no lengthy conversations; and no being alone with my son.

He agreed to them; said he understood.

Which of course, flared my confusion (how can I be angry at such an understanding, nice man?) into anger (how can such an understanding, nice man have done what he did to me so many years ago?)

Anyway, to make a long story shorter - he respected my rules. I did speak to him once on Sunday afternoon - a compliment on not burning the burgers (like my dad used to.) I wanted him to know that I appreciated his acceptance of my conditions.

I just emailed him to thank him for following my wishes and that it has gone a long way towards rebuilding my trust.

So now that I've been home for a few days and have had time to digest (no pun intended,) I am left feeling... fat. Which usually means that my emotions are brimming to the rim. Although, I'm not uncomfortable about feeling fat. I know it is just a metaphor. I know that I'll sort through my emotions eventually and in my own good time. No rush. No need to flip out.

Sometimes, just acknowledging that I'm in the middle of a complex labyrinth is enough; to sit down, breathe deeply, and rest, perhaps examine the hedgerows that line the maze for a while...

And that's quite okay.


Carla said...

I am really happy that he was able to go along with your rules.
I'm also really proud of you for being able to be around him, darling.
I'm inspired to see you able to take some time for you and not rush. Truly...this gives me hope!

disordered girl said...

Hi Jeanne,
Good for you for setting boundaries and sticking to them. It sounds like you have been through an awful lot and have some great strength.

I really appreciated your comment on my blog as it gave me things to think about and reinforced why I needed to end those relationships!

Take care,

Jeanne said...

Carla - I'm so glad that I am able to give you hope. Hope is such an important ingredient in life, let alone recovery!

DG - It's only been recently that I've given myself credit for the strength that I have. Only recently that I've used this strength to stand up for myself and hold my ground.
I'm glad that I was able to "shore" you up (as a friend of mine used to say.) We all need reinforcement sometimes, no matter how strong we are.
Thank you for reinforcing me today!