Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Take that ED!

Last night, I ate more than my usual, in other words more than I had planned. I wouldn't call it a binge since it was only a tablespoon or so of soynuts and a serving of my new favorite cereal, but I'm still feeling incredible anxiety over it. And fear. I feel like I've gained a hundred pounds overnight. I think I need to exercise for hours, or maintain constant movement to burn off the extra calories.
And the urge to restrict is extremely strong.

So what's really going on?
I'm excited that my parents are arriving today. I'm excited about Jack's graduation. I'm worried about how unfocused I've been the last few weeks at work - worried that my unproductiveness will reach my boss and I'll be reprimanded or something.
I'm worried that I'm forgetting something really important at work.

The last worries are rather far-fetched considering that I am doing everything that I need to do, meeting all deadlines, answering all requests in a timely fashion. It's just that things have slowed down a bit from the frenetic pace of the past two months. That isn't to say that I'm not busy, I just think that I've learned how to juggle better, more efficiently.

It's around 8:30 in the morning. I'm eating my cereal. One small piece at a time and when I pick up more than one piece, my ED lashes at out me.

So I've picked up my spoon. [The ED survivor's equivalent of giving the one-fingered salute.]

Take that ED!



ms. em said...

Good Morning,


I loved reading how you wrote out the process of discovering what was really worrying you. There's always a lot trapped behind the mask of our relationship with food. I always find the more I am able to find the true root cause, the better I am at stopping my disordered thinking.

Thank you so much for sharing this piece of your day. It's inspiring and provides so much hope.

I especially love your analogy of the spoon being the 'one finger salute.' Brilliant!

With care,
ms. em

Jeanne said...

Hello Ms. Em,

Obsessing about food (writing down how much of what I've eaten and will eat - to be sure I don't eat too much) is my first symptom that I'm coming down with another bout of relapse. I've learned that the best cure is to not act on them. Write down what I'm feeling instead of what I'm eating - because in life, what we feel is the most important thing. Our ability to acknowledge our emotions and act (or not) upon them is what separates us from the other animals. ;-)

Yeah, I was pretty proud when I thought up the "one fingered salute" analogy. 8-) That's exactly how I felt, too. Like I just gave the ED the bird and a big "F--- You!" I remember early on in my recovery, people on the message boards would write to me - "just tell ED to 'F--- Off!'" I used to think that was simply impossible.

Now look at me!

You take care as well, ms. em!

Faith said...

Jeanne - I'm pretty new to the cul-de-sac and I wanted to say how much I appreciate your blog and how much work you're doing. I totally second Ms. Em on the process of figuring out what's really going on behind the food stuff.

Thanks again.