Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Shuffle off to...

In a previous post, I mentioned that I'm heading up North to visit my family. Not real interesting you say.
But what if I tell you that this will be the first time I see my brother since he apologized to me (and thus, confirming that what I remembered about the molestation sessions were honest to goodness real.)
I'm feeling all sorts of things - anxiety and anger being high on the list, but also indignation.
I'm indignant.

Here's my thought train - hang on for the bumpy ride.

Here I am, 400 miles away from any extended family. I moved here by choice. [And I don't regret it a bit.]
There my brother sits - a few miles away from all kinds of family (and thus support,) getting free babysitting whenever he wants, getting free meals for his large family (4 girls, wife, mother-in-law, grandfather-in-law) every single week.
Worse, he is portrayed as the ultimate in fatherhood.

Now granted, my parents do their best to even it out when they come down to visit my family and me.

But I still feel indignant.
Because I didn't do anything wrong.
And yet, my brother assured me that I was the only one he abused that way. So maybe he isn't so bad after all. And he was a minor as well when he did those things to me.

But it was still wrong. He had no right to touch me the way he did.

And the argument goes back and forth in my mind...

So, here I sit - with lots of conflicting emotions.

My main reason for going back to my hometown is to visit with my grandma (who's almost 95 years old and will never be able to travel to visit me.) I'm also going to visit with one of my best friends (who also is unable to visit me right now.)

But part of me wants to go up there to prove a point (to myself? to my brother?) That Tom didn't run me out of town because of what he did. That I'm still a part of that family and by-gum, I didn't do anything wrong.
That I have no reason to hide.

Todd has offered (many times) to go up there with me. I've asked him not to go - mainly because I need solid ground to return to (or call while I'm up there.) I liken it to rowing out into shark-infested water...

I don't anticipate anything happening. I can be civil - been very civil on the phone on holidays.

But this will be face to face. And my skin is crawling with the thought of it...

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