Sunday, April 1, 2007

Like a Virgin

The End Or The Beginning

I had a conversation with my friend and sometimes accountability partner, Aaron, today about how his goal for me is to be my own food police. I told him that I don't really listen to his advice on food/nutrition/servings anymore. And that is true. I give in to his proddings only because I don't want to argue, however, when push comes to shove, I do my own thing anyway. I haven't asked for his help with serving sizes as I did at one point. Once I asked him to confirm my suspicions as to what I thought he would tell me to have for a snack. But that was for confirmation only - I knew what he was going to tell me. The ‘Doc F’ voice is inside my head and, for the most part, doesn't need much validation anymore when it comes to food/nutrition.
The only reason I've shared calorie points with him lately is because he had told me that he worries unless he sees the numbers. (He’s an engineer, go fig.) I didn’t want him to worry, so I shared the numbers.

I'm not going to do that anymore.

Oh, some of you are probably screaming, “That’s Edie talking!!”

I admit that Edie thinks it's a marvelous idea, but Doc F reluctantly agrees. Sharing points, food plans, etc. takes the focus off what I (supposedly) need to be doing - acknowledging and expressing my feelings.

This is what I need to focus on.

I’m not saying that what I eat (or don’t) isn’t important. I do understand that I need to feed my body or it’s going to literally digest itself. I do understand that I may have already damaged organs and that the damage may not manifest itself into a problem for many years.
But I also have been through many spirals before.

Aaron is right that I tend to spiral when he or Nancy or Jeff or another friend has been otherwise occupied or out. He is also correct to think that he has helped me from crashing each time. But this happened not because he was/wasn’t there to encourage me to eat. It happened because the connection was interrupted or plugged back in. That’s why, over vacation this year, I didn’t spiral – I connected with Todd and Jack. I plugged into one of my “energy” sources, so to speak. Since it was the only one available, I sucked out all I could, all the while believing that I could supplement the connection when I went back to work. (Because you can’t suck out all the juice from one source all the time.)

When I returned though, I felt disconnected. I suppose it surprised me, although it shouldn’t have. I have always felt the need to re-court my friendships after I’ve been away for any length of time. Well, actually, I hold back and wait for the other people to express interest in reconnecting with me. Like a virgin, I become extremely shy when I’m not sure what to do or if I’m truly wanted.

For some reason though, I didn’t feel that desire when I got back to work. I’m not exactly sure what happened. Maybe we were all waiting for the other person to move first. I don’t know and really, it doesn’t matter. It happened and I’ve finally recognized it. Now it’s time to move on. Stop focusing on food, start focusing on becoming a whole human.

My favorite history professor in college, Colonel Shay, always said that there are only two questions that truly matter in life.

Where am I going? And who’s going with me?

I’d like to think that I’m going to live. Live the life I have always dreamed for myself. Where I am surrounded by my family and friends who love and accept me for who I am. Where I include myself in that number.

How am I going to get there? Although this isn’t one of the two questions, it is the most logical third.

The way I see it, the only way I’m going to get there is if I fill my tank with fuel - air and water, food and love – and never let it hit ‘E.’

No comments: