Sunday, April 1, 2007

Continuation

I wrote the last blog post (Like a Virgin) awhile ago.

I'd like to say that it was onward and upward.

But it hasn't been.

I've been up. I've had a few days where I honestly thought I had crossed into the elusive recoverED club.

And I've been down to the rock bottom. Sitting alone in a dimmed conference room, lamenting the fact that I'd eaten a plate of goodies after a Christmas party. After the party, because I was so tense and in such a panic during the party that I had to excuse myself to run to the ladies’ room. And in the ladies’, I thought about throwing up the paltry amount of food I had eaten. Then, in the conference room, because I couldn't make myself throw up. Even though I tried harder than I've ever tried before.

But in that conference room, I figured out the reason I had sunk so very far.

And the pattern continued.

Sink lower than you've ever been before.

Take a few deep breaths.

And feel what you never wanted to feel. Because feeling it has got to be better than the place you find yourself. In this case, for me, that was alone in a conference room wishing I was dead.
And it wasn't because I couldn't make myself throw up.

It wasn't even because I ate a plate of desserts.

It was because I hadn't gone far enough.

I had stood up to my parents. I declared my independence from them, in my own quiet way, slowly and calmly, and I won.

I had stood up to my brothers. I claimed my status as an adult. And, for the most part, they treat me as such.

But-
But-

There was one person left.

The hardest of them all.

The one whom I see every day.

The man I married.

Todd.

I am still a slave to Todd. In my actions. But now.

Now.

Not in my mind.

So I fight again. To align my actions with my mind.

To set my true self free.

To be fully human.

To allow myself to stand on an equal footing as everyone else.

Including my husband.

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