Today is the hardest day.
The day after the leap back onto the recovery wagon.
When you can still go either way - a safe landing or a splat on the road.
Today,the gilt of excitement from the initial jump has worn off and you are faced with the not so pretty underside.
Facing food.
Yesterday, I felt strong – bolstered by a friend my hubby to screech at ED, to have faith to stop running behind the wagon and just jump.
Today, I am hesitant – in mid-air and not sure where I’ll land. I've been wishing someone would hold out a hand.
But the reality is that no one can help eat the food in front of me.
I can ask for encouragement, reassurance, support, hand-holding, but the bottom line is only I can take the bite.
This part is up to me.
Jenni Schaefer wrote in Life Without ED that the next time you find yourself in front of a plate of food, don't try to liven it up, just eat it.
The courage is inside of me. It's inside of you, too. We don't need ED. My friend said that the louder ED gets, the weaker he is. He's screaming at me now.
So here it goes...
Fork you, ED.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Oprah
Oprah.
Most people either love her or hate her.
Everyone knows her name.
Whether you love her or hate her, one has to agree that Oprah Winfrey is a remarkable woman. She seems to have everything anyone could want - wealth, prestige, influence. And yet, she beats herself up because she doesn't fit some romanticized ideal of a woman's shape and size.
I read "We Share Your Loss, And Your Gain" in the Washington Post today. The before picture which the author chose was one from twenty years ago, when Oprah was a smaller size (and twenty years younger.) When I saw this picture, I thought "Gosh, that looks so unnatural. It doesn't even look like Oprah." I clicked to the After picture, a more recent snapshot of Oprah at a gala. To my eye, she looked healthy, resplendent in a bronzy gown.
So why did the author insist on implying that Oprah's steady weight gain in recent years was unhealthy? Why did the author insist on implying that Oprah *should* be a size 8?
Why are we all so fixated on numbers?
I'll have to pick up the January issue of Oprah at the library and read what Oprah has to say on the matter. My hope is that she embraces herself and sends the message that none of us have to be thin to be successful. That success is measured who we are and what we do rather than what we look like.
I respect Oprah. I respect her because of all the people she has helped with the wealth she has earned by being a savvy businesswoman; not because she wears a particular size or weighs a certain amount.
This world needs role models. Women in particular need other women to light the way, to shout that health and beauty come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
Who'll shout with me?
Most people either love her or hate her.
Everyone knows her name.
Whether you love her or hate her, one has to agree that Oprah Winfrey is a remarkable woman. She seems to have everything anyone could want - wealth, prestige, influence. And yet, she beats herself up because she doesn't fit some romanticized ideal of a woman's shape and size.
I read "We Share Your Loss, And Your Gain" in the Washington Post today. The before picture which the author chose was one from twenty years ago, when Oprah was a smaller size (and twenty years younger.) When I saw this picture, I thought "Gosh, that looks so unnatural. It doesn't even look like Oprah." I clicked to the After picture, a more recent snapshot of Oprah at a gala. To my eye, she looked healthy, resplendent in a bronzy gown.
So why did the author insist on implying that Oprah's steady weight gain in recent years was unhealthy? Why did the author insist on implying that Oprah *should* be a size 8?
Why are we all so fixated on numbers?
I'll have to pick up the January issue of Oprah at the library and read what Oprah has to say on the matter. My hope is that she embraces herself and sends the message that none of us have to be thin to be successful. That success is measured who we are and what we do rather than what we look like.
I respect Oprah. I respect her because of all the people she has helped with the wealth she has earned by being a savvy businesswoman; not because she wears a particular size or weighs a certain amount.
This world needs role models. Women in particular need other women to light the way, to shout that health and beauty come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
Who'll shout with me?
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Fat Talk Free Week
Join me in celebrating "Fat Talk Free Week" this week.
And let's not stop with Saturday. Let's commit to ending Fat Talk every day of every year from now on. We are all beautiful no matter our size or shape. We deserve to celebrate our humanness!
Friends don't let friends FAT TALK!
And let's not stop with Saturday. Let's commit to ending Fat Talk every day of every year from now on. We are all beautiful no matter our size or shape. We deserve to celebrate our humanness!
Friends don't let friends FAT TALK!
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
In the moment
Today, I got to the bottom of my inbox. I haven't seen it's bottom in almost a year.
It was an amazing sight. A momentous occasion. So much so, I composed a haiku:
An empty inbox
A piteous sight for some
Unimagined joy.
I tried to hold onto the joy of my empty inbox along with the sense of accomplishment which accompanied it. It took tremendous effort on my part. Because lurking beneath the joy was the fear of impending doom. The knowledge that the mail person would harsh my mellow all too soon.
But today, I fought back. I refused to let my mellow by crushed. I exhilarated in my accomplishment - showing all my empty inbox, enjoying the moment.
Make hay while the sun shines, my friends. If you do, you'll care not whether it rains on the morrow.
It was an amazing sight. A momentous occasion. So much so, I composed a haiku:
An empty inbox
A piteous sight for some
Unimagined joy.
I tried to hold onto the joy of my empty inbox along with the sense of accomplishment which accompanied it. It took tremendous effort on my part. Because lurking beneath the joy was the fear of impending doom. The knowledge that the mail person would harsh my mellow all too soon.
But today, I fought back. I refused to let my mellow by crushed. I exhilarated in my accomplishment - showing all my empty inbox, enjoying the moment.
Make hay while the sun shines, my friends. If you do, you'll care not whether it rains on the morrow.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Don't Give Up, You Are Loved
When you feel down
When you feel like you can't go on
When you think you are all alone
When you think your voice will never be heard
When the road gets too rough
When the sun never seems to rise
When you fall and are too weak to reach out your hand
Listen to this song.
Look into Josh Groban's eyes.
And believe.
You are never alone.
Don't give up.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Must Read - This Is Who I Am
"I think if people are graceful and have some peace within them, then they are beautiful." Ellen, 52 (page 108)
Rosanne Olsen's book, This Is Who I Am is an absolute must read.* The pages are filled with women, each beautiful and courageous, and their thoughts about bodies and beauty. Every woman's story resonates in me. "I could have written that." "That was me." "That is me." "Will that be me?"
This book is a reflection of me. Of every woman.
I have yet to meet a woman who is completely in love with herself, her body, her being. The women in Ms. Olsen's book are no different.
And yet, their words are inspiring. Full of hope as they each strive for peace.
While each woman's words echoed in me, the most profound statement which sums up the theme of this book came from Jami, a wise woman at 19, "Perfection is a myth." (page 69)
Perfection most definitely is a myth. Beauty is found in the imperfections. In the wrinkles and cracks, scars and sags. It's in these "blemishes" that our uniqueness lies. Our uniqueness is what makes us beautiful. Each and every one of us.
Rosanne Olsen celebrates this uniqueness in the pages of this book. Her skill with the camera captured each woman's soul with gentleness and respect. The women glowed from the pages, making their words come alive. I could hear each woman speak to me, through their eyes, their expressions, their body positions.
I found myself talking to these women.
To Rae Ellen, 59 (page 56), who described her attempts to lose weight over the years, I cried, "You're beautiful just as you are! Stop the dieting cycle. Stop the yoyo!"
To LaRae, 25 (page 58), when I read, "Maybe I can inspire women everywhere to love themselves, no matter their size, naked or clothed," I shouted, "ROCK ON!"
To Susan, 48 (page 86), who wrote "It frustrates me that this is a lifetime challenge: the tongue versus the chin, the taste buds versus the circumference of my thighs." I moaned, "No! I refuse to believe that it has to be that way. I refuse to believe that one has to choose deprivation to be healthy."
The women in This Is Who I Am are powerful. Each is amazing. It is only fitting that Ms. Olsen chose to end this book with Maya Angelou's poem, "Phenomenal Woman." Each of these women are indeed phenomenal. I applaud their courage in showing themselves to the world - emotionally and physically.
I applaud Rosanne Olsen for her bravery. For showing to the world that beauty is inside each and every one of us.
* Excerpts from this book are available on the website. You are also able to order the book from there as well.
Rosanne Olsen's book, This Is Who I Am is an absolute must read.* The pages are filled with women, each beautiful and courageous, and their thoughts about bodies and beauty. Every woman's story resonates in me. "I could have written that." "That was me." "That is me." "Will that be me?"
This book is a reflection of me. Of every woman.
I have yet to meet a woman who is completely in love with herself, her body, her being. The women in Ms. Olsen's book are no different.
And yet, their words are inspiring. Full of hope as they each strive for peace.
While each woman's words echoed in me, the most profound statement which sums up the theme of this book came from Jami, a wise woman at 19, "Perfection is a myth." (page 69)
Perfection most definitely is a myth. Beauty is found in the imperfections. In the wrinkles and cracks, scars and sags. It's in these "blemishes" that our uniqueness lies. Our uniqueness is what makes us beautiful. Each and every one of us.
Rosanne Olsen celebrates this uniqueness in the pages of this book. Her skill with the camera captured each woman's soul with gentleness and respect. The women glowed from the pages, making their words come alive. I could hear each woman speak to me, through their eyes, their expressions, their body positions.
I found myself talking to these women.
To Rae Ellen, 59 (page 56), who described her attempts to lose weight over the years, I cried, "You're beautiful just as you are! Stop the dieting cycle. Stop the yoyo!"
To LaRae, 25 (page 58), when I read, "Maybe I can inspire women everywhere to love themselves, no matter their size, naked or clothed," I shouted, "ROCK ON!"
To Susan, 48 (page 86), who wrote "It frustrates me that this is a lifetime challenge: the tongue versus the chin, the taste buds versus the circumference of my thighs." I moaned, "No! I refuse to believe that it has to be that way. I refuse to believe that one has to choose deprivation to be healthy."
The women in This Is Who I Am are powerful. Each is amazing. It is only fitting that Ms. Olsen chose to end this book with Maya Angelou's poem, "Phenomenal Woman." Each of these women are indeed phenomenal. I applaud their courage in showing themselves to the world - emotionally and physically.
I applaud Rosanne Olsen for her bravery. For showing to the world that beauty is inside each and every one of us.
* Excerpts from this book are available on the website. You are also able to order the book from there as well.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Backwards Bulimia?
Why is it always referred to as Binge/Purge? In that order?
Is it still bulimia if the order is reversed? What if someone compensates first then binges? What does that make this person?
Right now, that person would be diagnosed with ED-NOS. Eating disorder - not otherwise specified.
Or for those of us with that diagnosis, the netherworld of eating disorders.
While we are just as sick, just as needy, our needs are often overlooked. Because many of us aren't underweight. Because many of us haven't wrecked havoc on our physical selves yet.
But we deserve care.
We have needs that must be met.
And, at least in my case, not having my needs met was (and is) part of my problem. For me, my needs as a child were never met. I was (more or less) told that I wasn't to have needs. That I needed to be happy and smiling and almost perfect. So I coped by turning to and away from food. And developed an eating disorder in the process.
So now, as an adult in recovery, I am faced with a lifetime of needs that were never met coupled with a lifetime long habit of turning to or away from food in times of stress.
I consider myself lucky. My health insurance is one of the amazing ones - where I'm able to see a therapist and a dietician once a week for a co-pay. (Granted the therapist co-pay is twice the copay I give to my dietician or other "medical" doctors, but it is not outrageous.)
But I think about all the other people with less or no insurance coverage. How are they learning to have their needs met when the medical community won't even help them?
I imagine that they are still swirled into the dark fog of hell, believing that they are being greedy for wanting to be free from this disease when there is so much turmoil in the rest of the world.
If this describes you, please believe me when I tell you that you DESERVE help just as much as any other human being. Your needs are NEEDS - you cannot live without having them met. It's up to you to fight for them.
I believe in you.
Is it still bulimia if the order is reversed? What if someone compensates first then binges? What does that make this person?
Right now, that person would be diagnosed with ED-NOS. Eating disorder - not otherwise specified.
Or for those of us with that diagnosis, the netherworld of eating disorders.
While we are just as sick, just as needy, our needs are often overlooked. Because many of us aren't underweight. Because many of us haven't wrecked havoc on our physical selves yet.
But we deserve care.
We have needs that must be met.
And, at least in my case, not having my needs met was (and is) part of my problem. For me, my needs as a child were never met. I was (more or less) told that I wasn't to have needs. That I needed to be happy and smiling and almost perfect. So I coped by turning to and away from food. And developed an eating disorder in the process.
So now, as an adult in recovery, I am faced with a lifetime of needs that were never met coupled with a lifetime long habit of turning to or away from food in times of stress.
I consider myself lucky. My health insurance is one of the amazing ones - where I'm able to see a therapist and a dietician once a week for a co-pay. (Granted the therapist co-pay is twice the copay I give to my dietician or other "medical" doctors, but it is not outrageous.)
But I think about all the other people with less or no insurance coverage. How are they learning to have their needs met when the medical community won't even help them?
I imagine that they are still swirled into the dark fog of hell, believing that they are being greedy for wanting to be free from this disease when there is so much turmoil in the rest of the world.
If this describes you, please believe me when I tell you that you DESERVE help just as much as any other human being. Your needs are NEEDS - you cannot live without having them met. It's up to you to fight for them.
I believe in you.
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